thegarageblog.co.uk : How broke must it be? Just wake up and smell the coffee!

You leave the house on a dark wintery morning at 7am ready to drive to work. Your faithful 13 year old Ford Escort is waiting outside in the road, a little patch of oil and antifreeze marking its space. You unlock the car door from the passenger side and clamber over into the driver’s seat. The driver’s lock stopped working a few months ago and you’ve never bothered to get it fixed, having become accustomed to climbing over and telling yourself the exercise is good for you! Settled in the tattered driving seat, you put the key in the ignition to start the engine and without thinking, turn it. The lack of starter motor noise reminds you that since the ignition switch became a ‘bit dodgy’ last month, you have to reach under the steering column and wiggle the thick black wiring loom from side to side whilst holding the key to start. The starter churns a few times and the engine coughs into life. You put your seatbelt on and prepare to drive away but notice that the windscreen is a bit icy and not really ideal for seeing through, so you decide to wait a few minutes warming it up. You have to keep your foot on the accelerator in order to stop the engine from stalling though as it never ticks over from cold. Someone at the pub said it might be a faulty temperature sensor but like many things, there was never time to get it fixed. Keeping your foot on the gas pedal and revving the engine to warm up the heater, you switch the fan on. Only the highest speed works these days as speeds 1 to 3 haven’t worked for ages so you’re blasted with freezing air for a while until it warms up. Except it never really does get nice and toasty anymore as once (last summer), it overheated in a traffic jam and a friend that ‘knew a bit about cars’ removed the thermostat from the engine so “it’d run a bit cooler”. Finally a little hole is staring to clear in the ice so you reach to open the glovebox and grab your demist cloth ( an old beermat) but the glovebox lid refuses to open so the wiping is done with the back of your hand. With windscreen relatively clear now, it’s time to head to work. As it’s still dark, you switch on the headlights, remembering to carefully twist the light switch back a fraction from the headlight position as it’s very worn and really needs changing. You check your mirror through the icy side window and see what appears to be eight sets of headlights behind. Except it’s only really one scooter but the cracks in the mirror glass (that you meant to replace) means that you see multiple images. Indicating and pulling away, the clutch gives a little squeal of protest (the release bearing has been getting steadily noisier for a while) and you’re on your way for the five mile drive to the office.

Flicking the indicators off (they used to self-cancel some time ago!), the engine purrs and the heater (now on full blast) is staring to make the cabin reasonably warm. Switching the radio on for a bit of Chris Evans and apart from the crackly left-rear speaker, it’s almost as if he’s with you in the car and you chuckle to yourself at his witty banter whilst subconsciously tugging the steering wheel left to keep the car going straight. You know the tracking’s way out and the front tyres are bald but it’s all hassle to get it fixed and besides, the car still works, right? Approaching the first big roundabout, you instinctively tug the steering wheel the other way as you brake as it does pull a bit to the left. Fortunately, the soothing tones of the Ginger millionaire drown-out the light scraping noise of worn-out brake pads on rusty discs and it’s back on the gas and onto the final stretch of dual carriageway where you ‘open her up’ and get to 65 miles per hour. You’d prefer to take it a bit easy but between 50 and 60, the steering wheel shakes so violently if feels like it’s going to be torn out of your hand. Of course, you can only really guess your actual velocity as the speedometer backlighting packed-up ages ago.

A few more turns and you’ve reached the office car park. Searching for a convenient space, you park next to your boss’s new Audi and grudgingly give it an envious glance. Being careful not to open your door onto its gleaming flank, you delicately squeeze out of the gap and a final wiggle of the key in the lock ensures that your pride and joy is safe for the day.

Once in the office, you make yourself a delicious Latte on the firm’s shiny new Jura Impressa J7 coffee machine. One of your colleauges said it cost over £2000, but then it does make a perfect cup. With steaming Latte in hand, you head for your desk and fire-up your new Apple Mac Pro Quad Core. Withing seconds, the 24″ widescreen cinema display is up and running and you can begin your day’s work.

At tea break, a couple of your fellow workers are browsing a copy of Top Gear magazine and discussing whether the new Scirocco is better with the 2.0 FSi engine with DSG gearbox, or whether to go for the TDi version with the six speed manual box. You don’t join in the conversation as cars ‘aren’t really your thing’ and instead, grab another coffee. This time you choose an Americano and marvel at how the machine grinds the coffee beans, delivers the creamy espresso shot and then tops it up with water. In just a few seconds, it produces a cup that’s easily a match for the local Starbucks!

Halfway through the afternoon, your boss asks you to pop-out to the stationers and pick up a few supplies. He chucks you the key to his Audi and you nervously head down to the car park. Truth be told, apart from your P reg Escort (and a Fiat Panda you hired in Benidorm), you’ve never really driven another car before. Pressing the unlock button of the sleek fob, the doors all unlock and little lights in the doors welcome you. Slipping into the sumptuous leather drivers seat, the digital dashboard display says ‘Welcome’ and you insert the funny little fob into the dashboard slot. A whirr and a click and the whole dashboard illuminates. An array of warning lights perform a little test and luminescent needles do a little test-sweep around the dials. With foot on the brake pedal, you prod the starter button and the engine fires instantly into life with barely a murmor. Slip the stubby alloy gearknob into first and release the handbrake (which is a little button insted of a floppy lever) and ease out the clutch. Silently, you exit the carpark and immediately notice that the indicators make a lovely ‘tink tink’ noise as they flash. After a minute or so on the main road, you start to feel at ease with the car and immediately experience that satisfying feeling that drivers of ‘nice’ cars enjoy! At the stationery depot, you exit the car and shut the door. Instinctively you go to put the key in the lock, then chuckle to yourself as you remember to simply press the keyfob button. As you walk away, you can’t help but sneak a glance back. Those 18″ alloys look great (bet they’re a pain to clean?) and you secretly hope you’ll bump-into someone you know who’ll think it’s yours.

Shopping mission complete, you head back to the car, excitedly anticipating the journey back. Cruising along the bypass, you switch on the Bose stereo.Pity the boss seems to like Scouting for Girls as ‘She’s so Lovely’ booms from the 12 speakers (nice car, no taste in music!). As you near the office car park, a brightly painted Ford Escort of similar vintage to your own catches your eye. ‘Free Collection of Scrap Cars’ is crudely hand painted along the sides, with a mobile number written across the windscreen. You stop for a moment and tap the number into your iPhone. As you park the Audi next to your own car and carry the box upto the office, a pang of sorrow hits you. Knowing that you’ll have to drive home in your Escort after such a heavenly experience fills you with a new pity that you’ve never experienced before.

Before the working day is over, you do two more things. Firstly, you take a look at the website of Audi, and eagerly send an email to arrange a test drive of a modestly-priced A3 Sportback at the local dealer. Secondly, you call the mobile number you saved earlier and tell them that you have an Escort for collection!