thegarageblog.co.uk : Thanks for calling Swiftest, you’re speaking to Doctor Dave.

The constant ringing of one or more of our three phone incoming lines is something that I’ve learned to live with during my time in the garage reception. It is often with some trepidation that I answer the phone, never quite knowing what’ll be on the other end. It sometimes seems like every other call is either a telemarketer (“Can I speak to the owner or proprioter?”), a telephone company (“Can I speak to the person responsible for paying the telephone bills?”), or a scammer (“Is that the business owner? You spoke to me last week and kindly agreed to support us by placing an advert in our 2010 wall planner”) Me: “No I didn’t” Then they slam the phone down and move on to the next number on their list. The latest menace is the ‘automatic dialler’ and these are the ones that annoy me the most. When it rings, the number is almost always either withheld, or is an 0844 code. As soon as I pick-up the handset, I can usually tell, as there’s a two second silence before a recorded message says something like, “Hi, do you have a loan?” or “Did you know you might be eligible for……?” I’ve never listened past this point and usually just hang-up immediately, irritated that those few seconds of my life wasted can never be given back to me. Sometimes I wonder if anybody of sane mind actually either listens to these automated nuisance calls, or worse still, responds to one! I suppose if I was a reclusive hermit with some form of mild personality disorder, I might be grateful for the contact but as I consider myself to be (relatively) normal, they are frankly one of the most annoying things that I have to deal with every day.

Thankfully, at least 80% of the calls we take each day are from existing or potential customers that want their cars, vans or motorcycles fixing, servicing or MOT testing. It is these that I answer with great pleasure, ready to help a distressed motorist or just answer a few questions. It is a fact of today’s busy lifestyle that if you should wake up and not feel too well, the likelihood of phoning the surgery of your GP and speaking directly to a trained physician are pretty much zero. Every practice employs a highly-skilled team of receptionists to field the calls from the great unwashed and only those that are genuinely in need of an appointment will get one. What they won’t get is the chance to speak to a Doctor as they’re far too busy saving lives, writing prescriptions, entertaining reps from drug companies and ordering upgraded exhaust systems on eBay for their Porsches (maybe!) Besides, it’s not always easy to diagnose someone’s illness over the telephone when the patient might not be able to accurately describe their own symptoms.

Like the human body, the car is a complex machine. The only difference is that (as with babies), it can’t exactly tell you what’s wrong. It’s the customer that phones expecting a speedy and accurate ‘over the phone’ diagnosis that can cause problems for even the most experienced technician. You should never take for granted that what they tell you will be even remotely accurate. Here’s two examples of some ‘cases’ I’ve dealt with over the years.

Customer: ‘Help! My car’s just broken down. It started making a knocking noise and then lost all power and now it won’t start at all’

Me: ‘How long had you been driving when it happened?’

C: ‘About 20 minutes, but I’d just filled up with fuel a few minutes before’

Me: ‘Was it OK before that?’

C: ‘Yes, it was fine, it’s only 3 years old’

Me: ‘What car is it?’

C: ‘A Volkswagen Passat TDi’

Me: ‘Oh, they’re normally very reliable. Just out of interest, you didn’t just accidently fill it with petrol instead of Diesel?’

C: ‘Of course not, I’m not an idiot!’

Me: ‘I wasn’t implying that, but why not just check your receipt from the garage, just in case they have a problem with their pump – you remember that dodgy Tesco’s fuel a couple of years ago?’

C: (after checking receipt and seen it was for 50 litres of Unleaded and not Diesel) Oh God, how could I have been so stupid. I wasn’t paying attention. Have I ruined it?’

Me: ‘Hopefully not, just get it recovered to us and we’ll drain the tank and change the filters’

That was a nice easy one, and by asking the right questions, it soon became clear what’d happened.

Sometimes, it’s a noise or smell that causes the customer to phone

Customer: ‘Hi, I’ve got a problem with my car. It seems like it’s losing power and the engine is revving too much. Sometimes there’s a funny smell from under the bonnet when I stop’

Me: ‘At what speed is it worse?’

C: ‘When I’m on a dual carriageway at 50 or 60 in fifth gear, if I put my foot down to overtake, the car doesn’t get any faster but the engine makes more noise’

Me: ‘It sounds like your clutch is slipping, and that’s what the burning smell is. Better get it in to us ASAP before it goes completely’

Another easy one and a booking soon results in a new clutch and a problem fixed. The difficult ones usually involve a noise or rattle. It is these calls that I usually have to cut-short by telling the customer simply to bring it in so we can have a quick test drive and confirm the cause. I’m sorry dear customer, but no attempt by you to convey what the noise sounds like over the phone will help me in diagnosing the cause! There’s a huge variety of ‘whooshing’, ‘whining’, ‘clonking’, ‘rubbing’, ‘hissing’ or ‘clanking’ noises that I just can’t imagine without hearing for myself. Please don’t bother to hold your mobile phone under the bonnet with the engine running, in the hope that I’ll speedily diagnose a worn rocker shaft or worn-out alternator belt tensioner! All I’ll hear is the noise of passing cars, a background din of your car engine and possible some crackly interference caused by Orange having poor reception in that street.

I’d much rather that you just drove your car to our workshop and I’ll come outside and have a quick listen to it. That way I an be pretty sure that we’ll find the cause of their anxiety and avoid a malpractice case!

Finally, one customer with a Mercedes ML described a noise from his engine as being ‘like a police siren’. Naturally, I had my doubts as to the acuracy of his description but a test drive soon confirmed that was exactly what it sounded like. Sadly, the cause was a worn-out turbocharger and a bill for nearly £1000 but at least I know that if a telephoning customer describes a similar noise, I can just tell him to bring it in and be sure to have his Amex Platinum card with him.