It is often said that the people of the UK are a nation of dog lovers, and it’s certainly fair to say that many people do indeed enjoy the company of ‘Man’s Best Friend’. Whilst I don’t mind the odd doggy or two (as long as they’re someone elses), I personally prefer a little furry cat for company. I can’t be done with the whole ‘walking’ thing at ridiculously early hours of the morning, as well as the shame of having to pick-up its little (or often rather BIG) ‘doggy doos’. If I did own a canine companion, I’d probably employ a full time dogwalker, or one of those doggy treadmill type things. Certainly, on a freezing cold and wet morning, it’s hard enough to drag myself out of bed and have breakfast with my family, let alone step outside holding a lead whilst been dragged along the dark streets looking for somewhere to poo!

So, what’s all this got to do with cars? After all, isn’t this meant to be the garage blog and not the Kennel Club?  Well, I was going to talk about a  phenomenon that I have discovered over the many years I’ve owned the garage.  I’m sure that any other garage owners that happen to be reading my blog will also be familiar with what I’m about to say.

You see, there is a certain type of dog-loving person that goes above and beyond the normal duties of a dog owner (i.e. walking them, feeding them, and taking them to the vets when they’re ill etc).  These folks are so dedicated to their canine chums, that they have actually bought a second (or even third) car, solely for the purpose of transporting them around in comfort, free to drool and slobber without a single comment of ‘bad doggy’.

To try and explain this in normal terms, I believe that there are 2 kinds of dog owner. The first just chooses  to keep a dog, either as a family pet or as a companion, but it is treated as an animal. It may well have its own bed, food and water bowls and a selection of doggy accessories, but when it comes to travelling, a trip in the owners car is very much a treat.  Typically, it might travel in the back area (if an estate car or hatchback), or possibly on the back seat of a saloon (with a suitable cover to protect the upholstery from hair and drool).  If Fido even attempted to bite the seatbelt, the owner would quickly but firmly admonish the defiant doggy and let it know (in a calming yet authorative voice)  that a replacement centre seatbelt assembly for a 2001 Mondeo is £128.00 + VAT, and that it mustn’t bite it in future.

The other type of owner is a little more fanatical about their dog. For them, the dog’s welfare comes before their own and they seem to exist solely to serve the needs and whims of the dog, rather than the other way around.  Every decision they make is based on their dog’s needs first and foremost. They may cite the excuse not to go to a dinner party with friends because ‘the dogs don’t like to be left alone’.  Even a close relative’s birthday party could easily be declined on the grounds that ‘Fido’s been a bit off-colour recently and I really shouldn’t leave him’ Often, they haven’t holidayed abroad in years for the simple reason that they can’t trust a boarding kennel (no matter how expensive) to give the same standard of care that they would like to provide. After all, poor Rex might have got so used to eating a certain kind of fillet steak (from Waitrose, cooked rare) that the mere thought of him having to ’slum it’ on Pedigree Chum for 10 days whilst the owner suns themself in Marbella is just too much to bear. As a result, their only holiday option is another trip to the Lake District, in a ‘dog friendly’ guesthouse with other similar-minded folk.

Which brings me to the car-connection. Sometimes, we have a car presented for MOT that clearly serves no purpose other than to transport dogs around. Usually an estate car, and sometimes a fairly-upmarket one  at that, there is never any sign of human habitation in the back.  Telltale signs will be that the rear seats are folded flat, and there is a thick layer of disgusting blankets covering the area where the seats would be. Almost without exception, the car is also engulfed in an overwhelming stench of dog! Normally, the first thing our MOT assistant will do before he drives a customer’s car into the workshop is to protect the seat with a clean disposable seat cover and place a paper mat of the floor to protect the carpet from the oily imprint of his work boots. Particularly, in the case of a BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, Audi, Jaguar or similar car with a cream-coloured leather interior, this act of common courtesy ensures that the mildly-soiled overalls of our technician never sullies the upholstery and angers the owner.  Faced with a VW Passat estate that has a 1″ thick coating of matted dog hair over every exposed bit of fabric, as well as a slimy and opaque film of canine saliva coating the side and rear windows, our technician will often put on a seat cover and floormat just to protect himself form aquiring a similar canine coating! He’ll also open all the windows immediately after getting in the car, as the smell is often overpowering. Just like the old lady from whom the RSPCA (wearing biohazard suits) have to rescue 71 cats from her 1 bedroom flat, where every inch of floor is covered in faeces, yet the owner is oblivious to any smell whatsoever, the dog-transporter car owner must also have suffered a similar decline in his olfactory system to not notice that their car reeks of dog. It’s worse on a hot day when the owner brings the car an hour or two before the appointment time, and leaves it outside in the sun to fester. The smell that then greets our unfortunate staff member as he opens the drivers door is so overpowering that he’ll drive the car in with his head hanging out of the window, trying to breath anything else but the foul odour inside!

Of course, his problems don’t stop there - he still has to do the MOT test. This, of course, involves a large proportion of the test checking items inside the car. Naturally this includes condition and operation of the front and rear seatbelts, the security of the seats and the condition of the rear suspension mounting and seatbelt locating points. Obviously, with the rear seats folded down and covered in a damp and hairy blanket, the only way he can inspect the condition of the seatbelt buckles (which are now under the rancid blankets) is to actually lift them up and put his hand down the back of the seat. Who knows what horrors he might find there??? At this stage, he’ll already be wearing a pair of latex examination gloves, so if he comes across a half-chewed pigs ear, a piece of bone covered in drool, or a squeaky (and badly mauled) toy at least it won’t touch his bare hands.

Once this ordeal is over, he can then continue with the test. Oh, what’s that? It’s failed already. All 3 seatbelts in the back are damaged?  A quick check in the Seatbelt section of the MOT Inspection Manual confirms that a “cut which causes the fibres to separate” of “fluffing or fraying sufficient to obstruct correct operation of the belt, or which has clearly weakened the webbing” is a valid reason for failure.

If only poor Tyson, in a moment of animal passion as he saw the foxy-little Schnauzer in the window of the Volvo V70 in the next lane at the traffic lights on the A406 hadn’t promptly chewed through £274 worth of seatbelt webbing, the owner’s bill would’ve been a lot cheaper. Still, you can’t blame the dog. It was the fault of the ‘other’ owners for putting temptation in his way!

And so, once the test is complete and the car parked back outside, all that remains to do is to explain to the owner that their car has failed the MOT, and what course of action is required to ensure it passes the retest. Many owners, clearly blind to the naughty behaviour of their mutts, will argue now that as ‘they only use the back for dogs, surely it doesn’t need any seatbelts’. At this point, I may offer them the MOT inspection manual and ask them to have a little read through and see if I, as an MOT tester of 14 years, have missed the section that says, “If the vehicle is only utilised to carry dogs, there is no statutory requirement for any rear seatbelts to be fitted”. As yet, no owner has discovered this ‘missing’ section, so they usually have to go and buy one (or up to three) new seatbelts, only for them to be chewed-through again next year!

Anyway, I hope you now understand a little of the concept of the ‘dog’s car’ and if you happen to be one of those owners and are thinking of bringing it in for an MOT test, please spare a thought for our poor tester and remove the blankets, put the seats back up and pull the trapped seatbelt buckes from under the seats.  The real answer, and this is great advice for any dog lover thinking of investing in a second car solely for canine commuting, is to take advantage of the British MOT regulations.  Any car made before March 31st 1987 (that’s a ‘D’ registration) doesn’t have to have ANY rear seatbelts fitted. Now, as most Ford Sierra and Vauxhall Cavalier estates of that vintage have long since rusted away, it does leave the rather excellent and durable Volvo 240 and 740 range of cars. Even a 21 year old Volvo 740 will have several years of life left in it, and as most ‘dog cars’ cover a fairly low annual mileage, even one with 200,000 on the clock will fine for a year or two. Best of all, you can usually find one fon eBay for around £350 with a year’s MOT. At that price, you couldn’t even buy a set of new rear seatbelts for an Audi A6 Avant. Even if you bought another Volvo when the old one was full-up with hair or drool, it’ll still work out cheaper!

 

Next week, it’s the turn of ‘the station car’ - just wait and see!

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